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And I kind of liked the way the electricity when we touched made us both shiver.
Rushton tightened his fingers around mine and turned his head to look at me as Doc listened to his
heartbeat. Our heartbeat.
Rushton s hair curtained his face, and I resisted the urge to reach forward with my free hand and
wipe his hair away from his brilliant green eyes. And maybe trace the pads of my fingers along his
jawline.
Fuck! Where did that come from?
My first instinct was to pull away from Rushton, but I didn t. And it wasn t just about the fact that I d
almost let him collapse in the shower. It was more about the fact I liked this.
Rushton s lips quirked in a shy smile, and color rose in his cheeks.
The night before I d expected him to kiss me, and I would have let it happen, passive. Now I wanted
to push him down onto the bed and kiss him instead. I wanted to hold his head still by twisting my fingers
in his hair. I wanted to lie against him so he could feel my erection pressing into him. Hell, I wanted to
feel his pressing back.
If Doc hadn t been there, fuck knows what I would have done.
* * * *
I woke up with a start. I was lying next to Rushton. He was nestled into my side, with one arm lying
across my chest. I shifted slightly, not wanting to wake him but needing to shake off that dream somehow.
I d dreamed of a Faceless. It had towered over me. I d been restrained somehow, hanging from my
wrists. I couldn t move, and it was behind me breathing down my neck. Its breath was cool, and it hissed
at me like a reptile. And I just hung there, the muscles in my shoulders burning, waiting for the Faceless to
strike. Waiting for fucking fangs.
Christ. Where had that come from? From Rushton or from the recesses of my own fucked-up
imagination? It was terrifying.
Rushton stretched. Garrett? he murmured. You okay?
Yeah, I said in the darkness. Just had a weird dream.
Okay, he murmured and rubbed his hand against my sternum. Not as fucking relaxing as he
intended. You want me to sleep on the window side?
Like I was a little kid. I flushed. Okay.
We jostled against each other as we shifted position. For a moment I was lying underneath him, and I
was afraid my body would respond, but then we d rolled away from each other.
You really hate space? he asked, turning his head to look at me in the gloom.
I really hate it, I said.
Why? He reached out and linked his fingers through mine.
Our heartbeats synchronized.
Because it s cold and black, and it ll fucking suck the air out of you until your lungs burst and your
eyeballs pop out, I said. Isn t that enough?
He smiled. I guess.
We lay there for a little while longer. I still couldn t properly shake that dream. It was still lurking
there in the back of my mind. I was afraid that if I went to sleep, I d fall straight back into it.
I like the vastness, Rushton said at last. I always found it liberating to feel that insignificant. So
small, and so privileged to be a part of the wonder of the universe. Time and space and eternity.
I raised my eyebrows. That s what my dad would call a five-dollar education. It dressed up any sort
of bullshit to sound pretty.
The universe is vast, he said.
I made a face. Mine isn t.
Rushton sighed. When you were a kid, didn t you ever look up at the stars and let them take your
breath away? Didn t you ever wonder what it would be like to be up there?
Now I know, I said. And it sucks.
Rushton didn t answer, so I relented a bit.
I like the stars fine from Earth, I said. But it s bad enough being up here on the station, where a
single machine breaks down, and you can t breathe. Or an air lock blows, and you re all fucked. It stuffs
me why you d want to jump in a Hawk and put even less protection between yourself and a vacuum that
will rip your body apart from the inside out.
All Hawk pilots were crazy, Hooper said. And he knew crazy.
It s beautiful out there, Rushton said and turned his face to the window. Chasing starlight.
His sense of wonder settled over me like a soft breath, and I pushed it away.
Bad shit comes from space. Shit that will kill us all. I stared at the ceiling and drew a shaky
breath. And there was the dream again, at the back of my mind: hanging in the darkness and cold, waiting
for that thing to strike. I like dirt on my feet and sunlight on my back and all the air in the world.
He squeezed my hand. Sunlight is just starlight. You re chasing it as well.
I m not chasing anything, I said. I just want to do my time and go home.
We lay silently for a while, and then Rushton turned toward me and slid his hand up under my T-
shirt.
What the hell! I tried to wrench away.
He pressed his palm against my sternum. Just close your eyes for a second, Garrett. Don t freak
out.
Don t freak out? Was he serious?
Just close your eyes, he said, and I heard the smile in his voice. I didn t know if I trusted it. I m
not going to jump you.
Whatever, I muttered, wishing my heart wasn t thumping so fast against his palm.
Close your eyes, he repeated.
I squeezed my eyes shut unwillingly and told myself I could throw him off if I really had to. If I really
wanted to. Shit.
He spread his fingers out, and my skin prickled. My breath hitched in my throat, and my cock stirred.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. A thousand times shit.
Don t freak out, Rushton said again, his breath hot against my ear. Just feel.
I swallowed. He wasn t holding me down with any real force, so why wasn t I moving? What the
hell was wrong with me? I swiped my tongue against my dry lips and wished I hadn t. What if he took it
as an invitation? Would he kiss me? Did I want him to kiss me?
Just feel. His voice was low.
I drew a deep breath and held it for a moment. When I let it out, I felt all my resistance go with it.
I was in a dark place, but this time I wasn t scared. I turned and blinked, and light caught in my
lashes. Starlight.
I pressed against the window, my fingers splayed.
It was beautiful. I stared into the big black, and it revealed itself to me. Layers upon layers peeled
away. Midnight blue and purple and orange and white. It was a kaleidoscope, except I was the one turning
inside it. Slowly spinning in the middle of eternity. So much color. So much beauty. It was a revelation.
I pressed forward, and the window yielded under my touch. Like skin.
I was in the pod. I was floating in space in the Faceless pod. Surrounded by that weird milky fluid,
filling my lungs with it. And I wasn t afraid. Why wasn t I afraid?
Do you feel it? It seemed as though his voice came from far away.
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