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decongestion, you'll start talking."
"If you kill me, I won't be able to say a word."
"Then I'll shoot you somewhere that won't kill you."
"Thensomebody'llhear the shots and call the police."
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"Then you'll go to jail."
"I'd say that you shot me when Iwastryin ' to stop youfromburglarizin ' my
friend's house. Could you please get this cat off me?"
I could see that getting any information from him was going to require
extreme measures. Istoodup , keeping the revolver pointed at him, and gently
nudged the cat off his leg with my foot. It took off running down the hall,
probably unaware that it had saved my life. Maybe I'd name it Reverse
Snowflake.
"C'mon, Mr. App, it's time to start spilling your guts," I said. "After
seeing that tape, you'd better believe that I'm going to do whatever it takes
to get you to talk."
"Well then you should get started."
"I will."
The Apparition grinned. "Feelin'kindof tough right now,aren't you? I bet
you don't get many chances to beat up a sleep-deprived old man."
"This is your last chance to answer some questions peacefully," I warned
him. "There's a whole kitchen filled with utensils that will make the process
much less pleasant."
"Hmmmm...letmesee if you're scaring me yet." The Apparition pretended to
think thatover."Nope, not yet. I'll let you know if things change."
"Fine," I said, motioning toward the recliner with the gun. "Why don't you
have a seat?"
"Nah, I'm pretty comfortable here on the floor."
"Isaid,why don't you have a seat?"
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"And I said I'm pretty comfortable here on the floor."
"Do you honestly think that after watching a guy being tortured to death
withaspork I'm going to hesitate in shootingasicko like you?"
The Apparition nodded. "Yeah, I do."
I hate confident people.
"Listen to me, you piece of shit," I said, hoping that profanity would
indicate exactly how serious I was. "If you don't get up right now and park
your ass on that couch, I'm going to push this gun against your kneecap, pull
the trigger, and hope that our neighbors are heavy sleepers. Do you
understand?"
"I understand, but Istillain't getting' up."
This wasn't fair. I had the gun, so I was supposed to have the upper hand.
"I'm not kidding," I said.
"I never said you were."
Damn, damn, damn! Now I either had to make good on my threat or be seen as
a nothing-but-talk weenie. And I didn't think I could work up the nerve to
actually blow a hole through his knee.
Okay, if intimidation wasn't going to work at the moment, I'd just have to
rely on good old fashioned brute force. I walked over, grabbed The Apparition
by his shirt collar, and yanked him to his feet. Then I clamped my hand on the
back of his neck and forced him into the dining room, where I slammed him down
onto a chair.
"Stay there," I said.
I walked into the kitchen, keeping the revolver pointed at him at all
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times. He didn't move, so heobviouslyhadsome doubts about my unwillingness to
shoot. I searched through some drawers until I found what I was looking for.
Duct tape.
"Sure you don't want to talk?" I asked, twirling the spool of tape around
my index finger. "You're about to become a lot less comfortable."
"Youknow,I'mtryin ' to get scared, but for some reason I just can't.Idunno
what itis. "
Fine.Thecheeky bastard was getting taped to the chair. I set the gun on
the counter and prepared myself in case he should make any sudden moves. I
punched him in the stomach to keep him fromsquirming,then wrapped the tape
around each of his hands, fixing them to the arms of the chair. Once that was
done, I wrapped the tape around his chest until the spool was empty.
"Comfy?" I asked.
He didn't respond. I went back to the drawers and picked up a meat
cleaver. I wished I could do some fancy moves, tossing it in the air like a
master chef, but I figured that accidentally chopping off my own hand would
cost me some intimidation points.
"Okay, we're going to play a little game," I said. "It's called Tell Me
What IWantTo KnowOr I'll Cut Off Your Fingers One By One You Psychotic
Bastard."
"I'm not a psycho, I only work for one," The Apparition corrected.
"You're not taking this very seriously. Don't you like your fingers?
Haven't they provided you with many years of service? Think about all the
times you've had the convenience of being able to hold objects or wear rings.
If you don't cooperate now, you'll never be able to flip the bird at a lousy
driver ever again."
"I'll have to deal with it."
Why did he have to be so difficult? If I had to resort to genuine torture
to get the information out of him, well, I'd do it! To save five innocent
people I could certainly bring myself to sadistically torture one scumbag.
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"Okay," I said. I pressed the blade of the meat cleaver against his little
finger. "Say goodbye to Mr. Pinky."
"There'sgonnabea lot of blood," he said.
"I've seen blood."
"Then don't let me stop you."
I applied a little more pressure to the cleaver, not enough to even break
the skin, let alone chop through the bone. My stomach was beginning to churn,
but I had to be strong. One finger gone and this jerk would tell me anything I
wanted to know. I balled my other hand into a fist and raised it above the
cleaver, preparing to slam it down.
"Last chance," I said.
"I consider myself fully warned."
I brought my fist down. But right before striking the cleaver I quickly
changed direction and slammed my hand over my mouth. I darted over to the
counter and promptly vomited in the sink. It was not a grand moment for my
dignity.
The Apparition began to laugh loudly.
I wiped my mouth off on my sleeve and gave him the most evil look of which
I was capable. It would probably have been more evil if I hadn't been
positively sick to my stomach. I can pretty much handle snuff videos and
people ripping their eyes out, but being the instigator of gruesome violence
myself was way too much.
"Nice show, Mayhem," The Apparition sneered. "Glad to see I didn't
misjudge you! Maybe for an encore you can piss your pants!"
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I coughed a few times, and then turned on the faucet to rinse away the
evidence of my inability to handle the rough stuff. I retrieved the meat
cleaver from where it had fallen on the floor and placed it back against his
finger. "Let's try this again," I said, my voice squeaking in amostunmasculine
manner.
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